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The Struggle

I think no matter how many children you have, there will always be that feeling of not wanting to miss out.

When I went back to work after maternity leave with Sam when he was about a year old, I was afraid to miss out.  I didn't want to go back to work, even though I really did want to as well.  I was already pregnant with Oscar and knew I wouldn't be working too long, but I still felt upset and afraid.  It's not only being afraid of missing out on big developments, but also being so afraid of missing out on the small, day to day moments.

Today, with all three home, it hit me.  I had just done a mad dash.  Elias had been sleeping in the stroller, the boys were coloring with crayons and paper, I was tidying up a little bit, then Sam had to poop so I was helping him in the bathroom, then Elias woke up.  I took a moment to quickly use the bathroom as well since I knew I would be sitting to nurse Elias. As I walked out of the bathroom to grab Elias from the stroller, I notice Oscar sitting so nicely and coloring while holding the crayon with great penmanship.  I literally stopped in my tracks and stood to watch him a moment.  Elias was slowly waking up and not fussing yet so I sat with Oscar and enjoyed the moment with him. 

He was coloring.  Not scribbling, but being purposeful with the crayon and hold it so beautifully.  I'm so glad that in the quickness of it all, although everyone was rather calm and content compared to the usual pace we practice at home, I noticed and was able to enjoy it with him. 

Elias is already 2 months old, Oscar will be 2 on Saturday, and Sam is turning 4 this fall.  I don’t know where the time goes.  The hours of each day, the days of the week, the weeks of the month, and the month of the years are passing me by so quickly I don’t know how to handle it sometimes.  I like to sit and just look at their cute little faces and study it hoping to remember every detail.  Pictures don’t always do justice.  I want to see and feel the moment and remember it all. If only.

There will surely be moments I miss, but I’m trying to learn to slow down and pay attention more each day. Usually, when Sam and Oscar are home, I don’t have my phone out much or at all just trying to keep up with them.  It's not just the phones though.  It's all the have-tos, chores, and errands.  I hate hearing myself answer, "I just have to..." when Sam asks me to play or Oscar says, "Come mommy."  It pains me just to write it.  I don't want to regret it later.  They will quickly be at the age where they do not want to play with me and when that time comes, it will be like a rock in my stomach.  But for now, we will try to keep the have-tos to a minimum, leaving the laundry folding, household economics, and other boring day to day tasks for the evening if we have to, being a bit more sleep deprived, but full hearted.  

"You will never regret playing too much with your children," -unknown source.



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